six years old!

at 12:09 pm today, our baby officially turned SIX years old! can't believe how fast the time has flown! 

Madison, we love you, we cherish you and we are so proud of the little beautiful lady you've become. You'll always hold a special piece of our hearts. Meeting you for the first time six years ago was amazing. The tears flowed so freely because I was so happy to have you there, in my arms, safe.

happy birthday, baby girl!

love

11.

Today, the sweet miracle girl who made me a mother, turns ELEVEN years old!  It’s unreal how fast time has flown by.

Caitlin Love Hoyt, born at 11:17 am on May 28, 2004, is a beautiful, smart, loving, strong & innovative girl.  We are mesmerized by how easy everything comes to hear.  She’s an A/B student in upper level classes, she’s a piano player, she’s a gymnast, she’s in choir and swim team.  Each and every time she is asked to do a school project she goes above & beyond and creates something excellent.  She’s about to enter middle school and as much as that terrifies us, we are so sure she’ll be a shining star and a breath of fresh air to those around her.

We love you, Cait! Happy Birthday, beautiful!

seven.years.

I can hardly wrap my head around this one. 

Seven years have passed since my tiny second abundantly loved child lived and died inside my womb. 

I remember the day so clearly - it's like it was yesterday. Hearing the words "there's no heartbeat" was like knives to my heart and soul. Shattered doesn't begin to describe it. World changing. Life altering. In so many ways. 

Seven years. I've been feeling lately -- seven years feels so final. I know it's our culture to think of seven years as a final step. We have the "seven year itch." We have "seven years of bad luck." We have the "seven year IRS statute." We even have the biblical "cancel your debts after seven years." 

Today, all know & feel & wonder is this: 

Will my baby boy be forgotten after this year? Does my baby boy remember me? Will my ministries, done in his name, survive another seven years? Will my heart still feel this broken in another seven years? 

I don't know the answers to those hard questions, but I do know that I may have never "met" my son, but he's got my heart. I do know that I may have never gotten to hold my son, but I'll never forget that his body was whole & he did live for nine weeks and four days. I do know that even on days when I feel like giving up, I have friends who remind me that they'll never forget my second child. That he's still made an impact on their lives. That he will always be remembered. I do know that my child is safe in the arms of Jesus. These thoughts will fill my heart and mind today. 

Noah Joel Hoyt: my precious boy. Always my tiny angel baby. Mommy will never stop loving you. Your existence & impact on my life and on others' will not be ignored. Forever love.

photo taken by my husband in Galveston, TX, 2012

Noah's One Year blog
Noah's Two Years blog
Noah's Three Years blog
Noah's Four Years blog
Noah's Five Years blog
Noah's Six Years blog

Six.

Thinking back six years ago today; I was a shell of myself.  Empty.  Feeling the grief that gripped me and tore me to shreds on March 26, 2008 when I had to acknowledge that the child who had lived within me for 9 weeks and 4 days was gone. in an instant.  Knowing that I should be holding a newborn.  But instead was taking a day off of work so that I could cry and sit at home alone in silence.

Today is different. It's been six.long.years.  The grief that grips me is different.  The tears come less frequently but my heart has been unchanged.  I'm no longer a shell of myself but have been filled up with different feelings, emotions and memories.  My heart still longs to hold that newborn I was sure I'd have on October 24, 2008.  My soul still aches to call that little boy by name, out loud, on a regular basis. Instead, his name is not said out loud for the world to hear, except at annual remembrance ceremonies.  My heart still breaks in a million pieces knowing how devastated my little girl was in 2008. Caitlin, just a few months shy of turning four at the time, had emotions bigger than mine, it seemed.  Losing her sibling was life altering, in her view of the world.  The day had come where she had to learn that life is not promised.  Life is precious.  And that we, in our house, remember even the tiniest of souls.  That little precious girl has been and continues to be one of my biggest support systems.  Not only does she never forget Noah Joel Hoyt, but she tells others about her brother in Heaven.

I couldn't be more proud of my daughters. Now my rainbow, Madison, talks about her brother in Heaven, because her older sister does.  Having my surviving children to surround me with love on days like today is nothing short of grace.  God's Grace, granted to me.

Today I remember Noah Joel Hoyt.  And the wish and pang still in my heart is that he had been born to me on this earth, and to our family, all those years ago.  His place in our family has not changed.  He's still the middle child.  Still the beloved son.  Still one of the reasons I love on others and give of myself.

Always remembered.
Never forgotten.
Noah.

Photo taken in Cypress, TX - October 23, 2014 at 7 am

Blog Memories:

10/24/08

10/24/09

10/24/10

10/24/11

10/24/12
10/24/13

5.

Today we are celebrating the precious life of our sweet rainbow girl. Cannot believe that Madison Grace is FIVE years old! It seems like only yesterday that she was born after holding my breath for 39 weeks. You see, her pregnancy was all but normal. Her pregnancy came just 9 months after losing our second child to a missed miscarriage, and pregnancy after loss can not only be considered medically high-risk but the emotional aspect of it is anxiety producing, heart wrenching, bittersweet and scary.  And to add to the emotional effects, I had medical issues that included 8 days of bedrest in the first trimester, time in the hospital for observation at 20 weeks (I was showing symptoms of possible mini strokes) and constant cardiology monitoring until delivery (which led to an after-delivery diagnosis for me of a rare genetic condition!). After begging my OB to induce me early (because my anxiety was so high), Madison was born perfectly healthy at 7 pounds 13 ounces. OH what a joy she is to us. Such a beautiful, funny, old soul with a healing spirit that encourages the most amazing snuggles.

Happy Birthday, Madison! You’re truly a big girl now!  WE LOVE YOU!

http://thehoytfamily.blogspot.com/2009/03/our-third-miracle.html

10.

Celebrating the precious life of our firstborn today. Cannot believe that Caitlin Love is TEN years old! It seems like only yesterday that she was born after holding our breaths for 20 weeks. You see, her pregnancy was all but normal. It was high risk. Her life was in danger. We never knew what we'd see on that ultrasound screen every other week. Her life was in limbo for 140 days. It was almost more than we could take sometimes. Not knowing whether our first child would live, die or be disabled. It took much love, prayer and hope to survive those days and then she was born - perfectly healthy at 9 pounds 13 ounces! OH what a joy she is to us. SO beautiful, smart & tenderhearted. 

Happy Birthday, Caitlin! It's double digit day!  LOVE YOU!

http://thehoytfamily.blogspot.com/2009/01/our-first-miracle.html

six years.

It's been six years since I learned that my tiny baby, Noah Joel, didn't have a heartbeat anymore.

:::oh the agony:::

It's been six years since I had to call my husband to tell him that his second child had died.

:::talk about guilt:::

It's been six years since I had to see the pain in my oldest child's face when she learned that her long awaited for sibling had died.  How do you even tell a 3.5 year old that someone - much less a sibling they wanted and loved already - has died!?!? I don't know, but we had to do it.

:::pure heartbreak:::

I don't know why or how this anniversary is affecting me differently than the last few, but for some reason six years just is.

I wish I had something eloquent to say - on his day - but really, my broken heart will have to do.  It's a sign that I'm his mom.  Always and forever.

Noah's One Year blog

Noah's Two Years blog

Noah's Three Years blog

Noah's Four Years blog

Noah's Five Years blog

Rewind

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you know that when I take long breaks from posting, it usually means I'm hosting baby showers, throwing birthday parties or just trying to catch-up on things at home, but that I truly do miss blogging and still will apologize for being absent LOL

----> So - I hated being absent from my blog for 3 months - and I'm sorry for the delay in posting :-)

Ok, with all that out of the way, I can try to get some thoughts blogged...recently that's been my problem: writer's block.  It's happened before but never for this amount of time.  I used to always have posts that I'd have in draft form that I could turn around quickly and hit "publish"...these days...not so much.

Not sure what's up with that.  It's strange.  I started this blog in 2005 when Caitlin was one year old; as a way to keep friends & family updated on our lives+baby.  Then in 2008 my blog turned towards baby loss.  Not a subject I ever thought I'd have experience with first hand, but my heart was broken & in need of community after losing our second child {Noah Joel Hoyt at 9 weeks 4 days gestation on March 26, 2008}.  Then in 2009 we were blessed with the life of our rainbow baby, Madison.  Since then I've juggled my blog with posts gearing towards loss, faith, life after loss and posts related to my family that lives with me on earth.

As I approach the anniversary of our loss six years ago (which is incredibly hard to grasp - that six years have passed!), I'm finding it even harder to put my feelings into words.  I don't know why six years is so difficult but I've found my thoughts wandering recently - remembering details I might have suppressed, savoring life more, choosing happiness first, feeling sad when things should be uber happy, and wondering why God chose me to live this life.  See?!? Told you!! These feelings are all over the map! LOL

I don't really have a bow to nicely wrap up this post.  Really, I started out wanting to give updates on where we've been, but my heart took a detour.

I guess what I really want to say are two things:

1) ...That I am heavily involved in the loss community.  My soul longs to bring comfort to those suffering.  My outlet for those desires is when I make graphics for parents who've lost children.  Being creative & sending these little blips of love & remembrance makes me happy.  Knowing that I'm sending love & comfort to another loss mom is comforting to me.  It makes who I am post+loss worth it.

2) ...That I am heavily involved in living.  I have to make a conscious effort each morning and decide that I am going to have a good day, be a light for my Savior, be a good wife, be a good mother to Caitlin & Madison, be a good friend, be a good co-worker, and still parent the child I won't meet this side of Heaven.   That's a tall order, folks.  And most days, I fail. Fail miserably.  It's tough living a life you never thought would be yours.  I always believed my life would like a fairy tale.  Until my happily ever after involved losing a child.  Then I wasn't so sure where I belonged.  But in the past 6 years, I've found a place I feel comfortable.  My husband loves me, he stays home to parent our girls while I work outside the home with a 3 hour per day commute, we are building a pool in our backyard, my job is stable and I love what I do, our girls are healthy & happy and we have a beautiful life.  But there will always be someone missing.  And that has changed me.  It's changed me as a wife, mom, friend & co-worker.  It's molded me into the woman I am today.

I hope that I can begin to write again.  This post was inspired by reading these tips from Jessica Watson on how to get rid of writer's block.  I think I took off and used this one:

Write more.  Even if it's kind of junky gibberish that no one ever sees.  It gets the kinks out eventually. -Angela Amman

Now, here's where we've been:

Dewberry Farms in Brookshire, TX with my cousin's twins, my girls, my mom, my aunt & step-grandma, Wilma; November 2013

More photos here

Baby shower for my friend (like sister) Missy & her baby boy Lucas; December 2013

More photos here

Our pool building began in Mid December 2013

More photos here

Christmas 2013

More photos here

In January 2014, I helped my dear friend, Amy Miller, announce her pregnancy with Baby due June 20, 2014, by making this graphic - So So So excited about this little blessing!!

Co-hosted a baby shower for my next door neighbor, Liz, who is expecting twin girls in April!

February 2013

More photos here

Caitlin & Madison just couldn't wait any longer to try out the new pool (which was officially completed in 59 days on February 8, 2014) and took a dip yesterday!  It was 77 degrees F :-)

Love,

Amanda

Giving {even while broken}

Have you ever known someone to be so selfless they actually give until they are broken and tired?

Have you ever known that same someone to be going through something unbelievably challenging and heartbreaking to only keep up their giving while enduring their trials?

I know that someone.

Her name is Michelle Roeske.

Right now her little boy, Lliam, is sick but growing in her womb.  He has been labeled as “incompatible with life” but yet he’s gaining weight.  His family has been told that little Lliam has a Cystic Hygroma on his brain and heart complications. 

Both Michelle’s and Lliam’s bodies are producing excess amniotic fluid.  Michelle is 24 weeks 5 days pregnant with her eighth child.  She has five babies in heaven and two sweet girls with her on earth.  Having the excess amniotic fluid makes for a very uncomfortable mommy.  Michelle is measuring 33 weeks pregnant.  She has to rest.  She’s not on strict bed rest but has had to postpone her piano teaching career until Lliam is born.  

A week or so ago, Michelle found out about Johari Creations. 

Michelle would like to be involved in helping women and children across the globe while she endures one of the greatest hardships of her life - waiting for sweet Lliam to be born.  

Would you like to be involved in helping Michelle make a difference in the world?  For Christ? 

Please pray about it and let us know if you’d like to donate towards Michelle becoming a Johari Creations Ambassador.  We are hopeful to fund raise the $350 required so that Michelle can become an Ambassador, attend the online training and begin scheduling trunk shows to benefit Johari Creations.  She already has a few friends interested in hosting shows before Christmas. 

If you are so led, please send your donation to Michelle’s PayPal account.  Her email address is mdroeske@yahoo.com.

Michelle’s heart is breaking for the women and children around the world with poor living & water conditions; and for their hearts & souls that are seeking that something we all know is important.  God’s favor in our lives…The blessings He gives us when we trust in Him. 

Thank you for your consideration.

If giving is not something you can do right now, we would just ask you to pray.  Pray for Baby Lliam, Michelle, Darrell (Michelle’s husband), and their daughters Bella & Lilly. 

You can subscribe to Michelle’s blog for updates on how Michelle & Baby Lliam are doing here.

Thank you!

Love,

Amanda

Five.

The thoughts are haunting. Heartbreaking. Wondering if his labor would have been as short and easy as Caitlin's and Madison's. Only four hours with 15-20 minutes of pushing. Knowing that our lives would have been changed by adding another babe to the household. And now knowing that it was never meant to be. Painful. Tears. I have so little tangible evidence that another life was ever truly part of ours. What I would give to have had more time.

Today, five years ago, I would have expected to be in the hospital holding a newborn. 

Today, I remember the tiny life that DID live within me.

Thankful for my Father who is holding the son I wish I was holding today. Praying my love is strong enough to reach Heaven and whisper "I love you" to my tiniest child.

~remembering Noah Joel Hoyt~

Blog Memories:

10/24/08

10/24/09

10/24/10

10/24/11

10/24/12

Light The Night With Love 2013

Never thought I'd be considered "inspirational."  It's so surreal and bittersweet to know that in someone's eyes I'm inspirational.  

Today, I'm so honored to be featured on my friend Lindsey Henke's blog.  She's got a series going on during the weekends where she spotlights fellow loss moms and interviews them to find out how they are helping the child loss community.  

Lindsey is such an inspirational woman herself.  Through her blog and through her project "White Signs of Grief" she keeps her beautiful daughter, Nora's, memory alive. After Nora was stillborn in December of 2012 at 40 weeks 4 days, she is now left to mother a precious memory.  On her blog she always offers up some way to help others who are grieving the loss of a child.  I always walk away after reading with a renewed hope and more ideas on how to keep my tiny angel's memory alive.

Thank you to Lindsey for your most generous donation as well as for reaching out and offering up your space for me to speak about how my loss has affected me and to let others know about the event we are having this month in Katy, TX to honor children who have gone too soon.

Friends, you may remember that my sweet friend Franchesca Cox and I hosted the first annual Light The Night With Love last September.  Well, the event was so far reaching, so well received and so inspiring for Fran and I. We released over 200 sky lanterns in memory of over 350 angels from all over the world. Over 100 grieving the loss of little ones joined us that day (in real life) as so many hundreds more joined us in spirit. The night of the event, after saying our goodbyes to new and old friends, Fran and I knew in our hearts that we had to have an event like this again - annually! 

This year, we have reserved the pavilion at the same park and are still accepting names to be written on sky lanterns to release to Heaven on September 14, 2013 in the evening.  Currently we have almost 700 baby names submitted and over 47 families who plan to attend the event.  We have three local loss moms (Angela Bickford, Stormy Mitchell and myself) who will speak about loss, love & hope.  The message we want other loss families to learn by hosting this event is that there are others out there who care, remember your child and want to honor your child who has gone before you.  We want you to feel welcome and know that this day was created with all of our children in mind – and the visual you can get if you picture all of our babies in Heaven watching us release sky lanterns in their memory – is priceless.

Joining Fran in co-hosting this lantern release each year has allowed my heart even more healing.  Knowing that I’m helping to organize an event to honor other families who have lost; in memory of Noah Joel & Jenna Belle in Heaven; brings me great comfort and peace.

If someone reading this would like their baby (or babies) to be remembered on September 14th by having a sky lantern released to Heaven, please sign up here. If you are local to the Katy/Houston, Texas area, we would love to have you join us for the event.  Please notate on the sign-up form that you plan to be there. 

We hope to meet you at the event and if you can't make it in real life, we promise to honor and recognize all babies and children gone too soon at Light The Night With Love 2013 on your behalf.

Love,

Amanda

{thank you to my sweet friend Stephanie for editing this photo for me last year}

What else can I do?

Last night, as I drove home from the park-n-ride, I heard Selah's song "I Turn To You" on the radio and knew I had to make a graphic to share.  I looked through my friend's (Sarah Page Dye) photos, chose this lovely one, and created this.

Inspired by the thought that sometimes (well most of the time) the only thing left to do is turn to Jesus for help.

Please feel free to share and use as you wish.
I hope it brings your heart peace, as it has done mine.

To listen to this song, click here.

I don't know about you, but I would be completely lost without my Lord.

Love,
Amanda

Isaiah Christopher's legacy

Please hop over to my sweet friend Jennifer's new FaceBook page Author Jennifer Ross.
She's in the process of publishing a book about her sweet baby Isaiah Christopher. His life, cut short at only 19w3d, will forever be part of her legacy. Through losing Isaiah, she's had to cling to Her Father in Heaven for strength, hope, survival and mercy. Raising 4 boys on this earth while honoring her son in heaven can be a tough job, but Jennifer does it with such grace. She's also trained to be a doula for stillbirthday.com and is working on a project with Vanessa Horning of VBH Photography that will bring awareness to child loss in the form of a colorful multi-family story filled photo book in the near future.

Please go give Jennifer some love and encouragement if you can.
She's an amazing wife, mom and friend.
Thank you.

She also has a blog.  Perfectly titled His Grace is Sufficient.

Love

Return to Zero - the movie

Ever been involved in something bigger than yourself and wonder, "how on earth can we ever accomplish this?"

Ever felt something so deep in your heart that the only choice is to move forward, head down, throwing caution to the wind and hope for the best?

Well, that's what is happening in our loss community right now with the making and marketing of the film Return To Zero.  

We, as a community, feel it in our bones:  we want others to know that child loss IS happening.    Everywhere.  All the time.  And that it is devastating.  Life altering.  To the point that those affected will NEVER be the same again.  And those same people will need to grieve.  Forever.  Maybe not down in the dirt-covered in tears-everyday kind of grieving. But the kind of grief that those around us will have to understand that we aren't the same people anymore and need a bit of space sometimes.  That our children are gone.  And are never coming back and you just can't get over something like that.  

Having a film be released in theaters for the world to see that loss does occur - is just the start.  The start of society as a whole accepting that there are people called parents that lose children and they are all around us (one in four pregnancies ends in loss in the United States).  

Getting a film into the theaters is also just the start.  Please join me.  Whether you've been touched by loss or not, I welcome you to take the pledge.  To pledge to see the film in theaters if if is released.  By pledging to see Return To Zero in theaters opening weekend when it shows in your town, you will prove to Hollywood that there is an audience for a film about this difficult but important subject matter.

Please join me and pledge to see this movie.   

If you are a bit more adventurous (LOL), please join me in signing up to be a "local leader."

By pledging to be a local leader (in my town in Texas) I will be pledging to get 100 pledges to see the movie.  The RTZ team hopes to get 150,000 pledges by midnight on June 20th.  

We can do this, right???

Please join me and pledge to get more pledges to see Return To Zero in theaters so that the Hollywood folks stop and take notice.  That child loss is important to people.  Not because it's sad but because we care about people.  Unfortunately we all know someone (or will in the future) who has lost a child.  It's just a fact.  A horrible fact.  And seeing a movie like this, on the big screen, may have an impact on a relationship you have to that grieving family.  It may help you reconcile with yourself that your friends or family members WILL never be the same again and that you may need to show them that you remember their child that's in Heaven just a bit more - because it's important to THEM.

Thank you for reading and a "thank you in advance" for signing up.

Love

*This film specifically talks about still birth.  Although I didn't have a still birth, but yet a miscarriage, makes my heart no less involved.  Any one of my children could have died at birth or shortly before.  I am pledging and blogging and talking and SPEAKING OUT LOUD about child loss because it's important to me and I do it in memory of my little Noah Joel, gone to be with Jesus too soon on March 26, 2008.

Love

In late 2011, when I heard of the death of the Duggar Family's baby Jubilee Shalom, I was on my computer and felt led to make this graphic.  It's been shared on FaceBook but I never blogged it. This morning, I wanted to post it here. Don't know why.  Maybe someone will come across it today when they need it most.

I'm a believer but I'm also human.  It's so hard to truly comprehend that we should still praise the Lord in storms; that He can give us blessings and take them away; that bad things happen to good people; that He knows every detail about what's to come and how the story will end. But I do.  I believe that without Him and His Presence in my life, I don't know where I'd be today.  Tragedy is part of life.  Yes.  But Love is also part of life.  The Lord gives and takes away. Without His gifts, we wouldn't know love.  Without his blessings we wouldn't know love.  So we must be thankful to have even known love at all.

A very profound quote from pastor Jason Hague in response to feelings of loss after the death of a dear friend, "I made a decision to look God in the eye again and thank him for my friend.  This wasn't so much a matter of religious sentiment as it was intellectual integrity.  When gratitude is absent, mourning eventually loses all context and reason.  It's the same lesson I try to give my kids:  to say "thank you for my ice cream" instead of pining hard for a second bowl.  Even a gift cut short is, first, a gift."

I translated this into my life.  If I don't thank God for the gift OF carrying Noah at all, much less for the number of weeks I carried him, then mourning is for not.  I was given his life, albeit too short, as a gift from God.

So today, I say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord" no matter what the circumstance.  He IS THE calm of the storm and THE maker of miracles and THE healer of disease.  Whom shall I fear?

Love to you all today.  Wherever you are; whatever you may be doing.  I pray a veil of protection and love over you today.

xoxo

+amanda

Five.Years.

Five.Years.

After five years you’d think there’d be nothing left to say.  That the grief would be buried by now.  That the memories never made would be replaced.  That the hopes we had for a life imagined are gone with the wind.  That remembering him would be futile.

Those things are the furthest from the truth though.  The grief is never far from the top.  Just a song, smell or word can bring that day flooding back.  The memories I have of hearing his heartbeat, seeing his body flutter and knowing that he’d made me a mommy for the second time will never leave me.  The fact that we already had his life planned out and that he’d be the cute little brother of our girl are never far from my heart.  Remembering him.  Or I should say, having him remembered by others.  That’s something that I will never let end. 

My journey to become who I am today, as a loss mom, cannot be taken lightly.  I will never say that losing a child made me a better person.  But I will say that the Lord has molded me to be the woman I am today, through his Grace.only.  If I don't thank God for the gift OF carrying Noah at all, much less for the number of weeks I carried him, then mourning is for not. I was given his life, albeit too short, as a gift from God. My heart has changed.  Noah Joel made me a better person. Now I am someone who breathes to help others who are struggling through loss.  My heart aches each day to reach out to encourage someone who is in their darkest hours.  My loss heart yearns to take the pain away from other loss moms.  I have a strong desire to make sure all babies are remembered.  I have to give Our God ALL the Glory though.  By myself alone – I’m not sure I could stand to be this tired and giving my heart and time to everyone.  But due to my story and my changed heart through loss, My God gives me the strength and the love to do it.  I love these women.  Truly like with my whole heart.

I can say that I've learned many things these past five years since losing my tiny baby at only 9.5 weeks gestation.  I won’t make a list but I know that above all, he’s brought me closer to my Lord and has brought the most loving people into my life that I’d never known if it wasn't for losing my child.  Without the support from the loss community I’m not sure how or who I’d be today.

Thank you.  Thank you to anyone reading this.  Thank you to my friends and family who are and have supported me since the beginning.  Thank you for letting me open up and offer my heart to you.  Know that my love runs deep and I want you to know that you and your baby(ies) are important to me. 

In closing, on this fifth anniversary of losing Noah Joel, I want to remember the fluttery ultrasound video that plays in my heart and head each day.  I want to remember the belly that was already growing.  I want to remember the sickness I felt. I want to remember how it felt to know that Caitlin would be a big sister finally.  I want to remember that for sixty six days, I was a mom to a son.

Noah – I remember you.  Today and always.  Love, mommy.

Noah's One Year blog

Noah's Two Years blog

Noah's Three Years blog

Noah's Four Years blog

*If you’d like to have a graphic made for your little one(s) gone to soon, please visit BabiiLove Graphicz on FaceBook and request under “Amanda’s Open Offers.”

*If you’d be interested in having a lantern released in memory of your baby on September 14, 2013, please go to the Light The Night With Love FaceBook page and keep an eye out for more details.

Book Launch - "Celebrating Pregnancy Again" - by Franchesca Cox

My lovely friend Fran, has prepared an amazing gift for the Baby Loss Community.

She's written a book about pregnancy after loss and all the feelings that go along with the dance of joy, sorrow, hope and faith. She has been amazing gift to the Baby Loss Community since her tiny daughter, Jenna Belle, joined Jesus in Heaven in 2009. Daily, she blows me away with how much in tune she is to my feelings surrounding loss, love and faith. I've said it before - her writings feel like echoes from my heart. I was blessed to read her book VIP style (before it "hit the shelves") and want to express to others how much of a blessing the book can be to those in the midst of a rainbow pregnancy, those who have survived a rainbow pregnancy and to grieving families expecting rainbows.
Please pass along this link to anyone you feel may be encouraged by this book.
Today, the official launch of the book, Franchesca is offering free copies and a giveaway!



Love

Swimming. Summer. Slumber party. School. Showers. September. Santa Fe.

Happy New Year, friends!

Blogging took a backseat in most of 2012 as we were always go-go-go.  I've had this blog post in my drafts for probably about four months! I started writing it before my last post and never finished to publish LOL

Anyway, here's a recap of more than 1/2 of 2012 for The Hoyt Family - using the letter "S!"

April brought on a new adventure for the Hoyt family. Swimming! Cait joined the swim team for our neighborhood and not only improved her freestyle, breast and back strokes but learned the butterfly and did VERY well at it! She got Swimmer of the Week during one of the six weeks of meets, she won first on several heats in each meet AND her team won divisionals! Being a part of the swim team gave the whole family something to do for several months whether it be chauffeuring to and from practice, cheering, swimming, socializing and volunteering. Chris and I had to "work" each meet because the team is really nothing without the parents. We timed several which was fun to see first hand how each meet/event/heat begins and ends. I had never been a part of a swim team growing up so I was clueless at the beginning. You learn quickly though LOL
Chris did swim team when he was a kid so he probably felt pretty at home at the meets.
Although Cait did well she didn't really enjoy it unless she won the race. Otherwise she was content to stay with us in our tent (away from her team tent) playing her DS. We encouraged her to join her friends but she always wanted to be with us. She complained of not having friends there but we know that if she had been at the team tent that would have changed. I think if we do swim next year she will be socially more involved and it will be more fun. I'm excited to see where swimming could take her :-)

We took our annual summer beach vacation to Galveston the week of July 4th. We stayed in a nice house right on the water. The trip would have been perfect if the seaweed wouldn't have been so thick! We never even "laid out" or set up "camp" on the beach because there was more seaweed than sand?!?! It was fun nonetheless. Madison didn't quite like the sea and the sand when we did go. The only time she relaxed was if I was holding her and she wasn't facing the waves. She dug holes all around my legs! LOL
Cait and Chris boogie boarded a bunch and we made it a point to collect all the sea snails we could! Uncle Mike and Grammy joined us for a few days and we of course went to the Strand, ate and shopped a few times. We love going to Galveston because it's so close but are hoping to go elsewhere for our next beach vacation :-)

Cait chose to have a slumber party for her 8th birthday celebration this year. First time for it and it went very well! We were surprised. We had 4 girls over and 3 spent the night. Everyone was good and Chris and I got a kick out of watching the girls LOL
Madison stayed with the grandparents so it was the first time in a while that Cait could play without being interrupted by little sister :-)

How did summer end so quick!? I know we did other things but I feel like whatever we did was over way too quickly! Now Caitlin is a 3rd grader and Madison is in her 2nd year of Montessori. Here is their "first day of school pic" 2012.

Showers - GALORE!!! I helped throw 3 (two baby and one bridal) and attended another baby shower over the past several months. Love all the babies and showers!!

September brought us into a new season of toddler-hood for Madison.  She turned 3 on September 18th and was potty trained a few weeks before her birthday.  As most parents know, this turning point has been poignant in our lives not only because she is more independent and able to tell us exactly how she feels and what she wants, but on an emotional level - that our baby isn't a baby anymore :-(
Don't get me wrong - not having to change diapers is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. but knowing that she's getting older this quickly is a little bit tear invoking :-)

The year ended with a bang (of snow flurries) as we surprised the kids with a trip to our favorite vacation spot, Santa Fe, New Mexico!  We'd planned the trip for 6 months and we pulled it off! The girls were shocked, surprised and excited!  Caitlin couldn't believe that we had the wool pulled over her eyes so it was fun telling her all the "lies" we'd told over the months while we were planning the trip.  We also had little surprises planned during our 8 day stay and to say the trip was amazing would be an understatement!  I have posted the millions of pictures I took, on FB, if you'd like to take a look.  We left town on 12/21 and it was 80 degrees here.  This is one of the reasons we wanted to go somewhere else for Christmas - we needed a lower temp and we hoped for snow.  We got both!  It went down to 8 degrees and snowed starting Christmas Eve until the day we left (12/28).  It was great!  We also got to visit a few pueblos, one of which just happened to be having a traditional dance (or what we'd think of as a "pow wow") when we drove up. We were able to watch a portion of the dance which included approximately 160 men and boys from the tribe.  All of them were half clothed (and I think it was in the 20s that day!) and had feathers, shells, sticks, rocks, turtle shells, leather, etc. as their "accessories." The dancing must have been going on for a while and we were there for 45 minutes and left while it was still going on.  I'm not sure how those guys did all that dancing, in the cold, for so long!  Unfortunately we weren't able to take pictures (since this particular tribe was not using their lives as a "cash cow") so what we saw will be embedded in our memory banks forever :)  We are so thankful we were able to do this with the girls.  We know they will remember this trip for life.

Whew! Well, I hope you all had a great end to 2012 and I'm praying that 2013 will be better than all the others, for us all.

Thinking of you.
Love,
Amanda

Dates...and why TODAY is an important date

The years seem to fly by.  Yet they crawl.  The dates seem to get easier.  But yet they get harder at the same time.  Yes, very oxymoronic, but for a loss mom, this makes sense.

Today, October 24th, four years ago, Noah Joel could have possibly made his appearance into this world.

It was his “estimated due date” or EDD. I counted on this date.  Just as I had with Caitlin’s pregnancy.  When you see those two pink lines on that pregnancy test, you automatically run to your calendar to check when you’ll have the baby.  Well, my second pregnancy was no different.  I did it, saw it would be October 24^th, went to the doctor, got it confirmed twice and counted on that.  It’s a given, right?

I wish. 

As the years go by – I’ve had another child, the children are growing up too fast, work gets more hectic and demanding, traffic gets worse, more school activities, later nights, less sleep, more eating out, more pictures to be taken, more holidays to tend to, more laundry to do, more dishes to clean…but yet there is still something missing.  I remember the date.  I remember the feelings.  I remember the other dates that are passing by without another child running around with us.

I remember. 

“It gets easier,” we say to moms fresh after loss.  I can’t deny that one half of me feels this way.  It does get easier.   BUT  the other part of me will never forget and there will continue to be a hole.  Every year, every significant date, every holiday...

But I survive; and so do all loss moms.

No one can count us out.  We are not lost.  We have been found.  We are hopeful.  We know our babies wait for us in Heaven.  We know that through our losses we have gained.  Whether it be a Rainbow Baby, support from friends & family, new friends, knowledge on loss that we can share, talents we didn’t know we had, support we can give to other women facing loss…the list goes on…

We remember.  

Thank you for remembering Noah Joel Hoyt with me today.  Xoxo

October 24^th’s of the past:

2011 

2010 

2009 

2008 

Tattoo – 2008

My Candles for October 15, 2012 embellished by Jordan's Treasures

October 15 - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I am remembering babies that have gone to Heaven too soon along with the 25% of women in the USA that have been affected by miscarriage, still birth or infant death. If someone you know has been touched by this horrible life changing trauma, please reach out to them today to let them know you care, remember and support them. Ask them about their baby(ies). We love to say and hear their names! Give them a hug. Offer to do something in memory of their child. Thank you. To all my friends and family who've lost - my deepest sympathy is with you today, and always.
Love you all ♥

~in loving memory of Noah Joel Hoyt; March 26, 2008~

15th Oct Wave Of Light This week it is very special, It is national baby loss week, Where the nation remembers all babies, Too small to survive or born asleep, To remember the precious babies, Stolen too soon by SIDS or disease, Let us say their names out loud, Let us remember them all with ease, From 9th to the 15th all we ever, Really want to ask of you, Is to remember these precious children, For just a day or two, Special events are being held, In our cities and our towns, To remember all these babies, Who are sadly no longer around, We are letting off 17 balloons, Why 17? I hear you say, Because 17 babies in the UK alone, Yes 17! Die every single day, Our final request, it’s not too big, To create a wave of light, Please on Oct 15th at 7 pm, Light a candle for us to unite, Let a wave of light shine out bright, For each and every Angel we know, Let the nation unite in a wave of love, Let their precious memories glow.

By Christine Bevington

My October 15 Posts since 2008:
October 15, 2008
October 15, 2009
October 15, 2010