Several things stick with me about that day, including the sadness I felt that I was not bringing another baby into our family, the emptiness I felt because I would never hold the child we tried so long and hard for, the guilt I felt for not carrying a baby to term as well as the guilt I could not shake that I had put my daughter (who was at the time only 4 years old) through a situation where she was grieving the loss of a sibling she had already grown to love after only knowing about him for 5 ½ weeks. She knew that I was sad on October 24, 2008 and because she was already familiar with the idea of death at such a young age, really showed me how much she hurt on that day.
In August of 2008, Chris and I went to get tattoos. Mine was in loving memory of my Noah Joel. I had a hard time with really believing that it was ME in that chair. I would have never thought that it would happen to me. Not only getting a tattoo but that I was commemorating a lost child forever on my body.
In July of this year, we, as a family, had professional pictures made by my friend, Dianna. I had an idea of each and every pose I wanted our family to have and the girls to have (both alone and together). The process that I planned for the photo shoot was so detailed, that Dianna told me that I was probably the most organized client she had! One of the pictures that I wanted to have made included Caitlin and myself.
This picture would be important only to me – for my viewing only until I was ready to share it. I needed a visual reminder to hang on the wall for me to see whenever I wanted to and to remember my lost baby through that medium (a photo). At first, I thought I might just have Dianna photograph me, alone with my tattoo showing. Then I thought that since Caitlin took that time of our lives so hard, that I would get her to pose in this important picture with me. I did not tell her or Chris about the planned pose. I only asked Dianna to do it and she of course agreed.
Once the poses were photographed I was not sure if they would really come out. A few weeks later when Dianna showed us our pictures from the session, my heart skipped a beat, my breath was taken away and I could have cried at that very moment. Dianna had captured the shot just as I had imagined and hoped.
I think, on this day, in remembrance of our lost baby, I would like to share this picture with you - My friends, my family and anyone who reads this blog :)
Thank you for sharing these moments with us. Thank you for your kindness and thank you for remembering Noah Joel with us on this day.
Love,
Amanda
