----> So - I hated being absent from my blog for 3 months - and I'm sorry for the delay in posting :-)
Ok, with all that out of the way, I can try to get some thoughts blogged...recently that's been my problem: writer's block. It's happened before but never for this amount of time. I used to always have posts that I'd have in draft form that I could turn around quickly and hit "publish"...these days...not so much.
Not sure what's up with that. It's strange. I started this blog in 2005 when Caitlin was one year old; as a way to keep friends & family updated on our lives+baby. Then in 2008 my blog turned towards baby loss. Not a subject I ever thought I'd have experience with first hand, but my heart was broken & in need of community after losing our second child {Noah Joel Hoyt at 9 weeks 4 days gestation on March 26, 2008}. Then in 2009 we were blessed with the life of our rainbow baby, Madison. Since then I've juggled my blog with posts gearing towards loss, faith, life after loss and posts related to my family that lives with me on earth.
As I approach the anniversary of our loss six years ago (which is incredibly hard to grasp - that six years have passed!), I'm finding it even harder to put my feelings into words. I don't know why six years is so difficult but I've found my thoughts wandering recently - remembering details I might have suppressed, savoring life more, choosing happiness first, feeling sad when things should be uber happy, and wondering why God chose me to live this life. See?!? Told you!! These feelings are all over the map! LOL
I don't really have a bow to nicely wrap up this post. Really, I started out wanting to give updates on where we've been, but my heart took a detour.
I guess what I really want to say are two things:
1) ...That I am heavily involved in the loss community. My soul longs to bring comfort to those suffering. My outlet for those desires is when I make graphics for parents who've lost children. Being creative & sending these little blips of love & remembrance makes me happy. Knowing that I'm sending love & comfort to another loss mom is comforting to me. It makes who I am post+loss worth it.
2) ...That I am heavily involved in living. I have to make a conscious effort each morning and decide that I am going to have a good day, be a light for my Savior, be a good wife, be a good mother to Caitlin & Madison, be a good friend, be a good co-worker, and still parent the child I won't meet this side of Heaven. That's a tall order, folks. And most days, I fail. Fail miserably. It's tough living a life you never thought would be yours. I always believed my life would like a fairy tale. Until my happily ever after involved losing a child. Then I wasn't so sure where I belonged. But in the past 6 years, I've found a place I feel comfortable. My husband loves me, he stays home to parent our girls while I work outside the home with a 3 hour per day commute, we are building a pool in our backyard, my job is stable and I love what I do, our girls are healthy & happy and we have a beautiful life. But there will always be someone missing. And that has changed me. It's changed me as a wife, mom, friend & co-worker. It's molded me into the woman I am today.
I hope that I can begin to write again. This post was inspired by reading these tips from Jessica Watson on how to get rid of writer's block. I think I took off and used this one:
Write more. Even if it's kind of junky gibberish that no one ever sees. It gets the kinks out eventually. -Angela Amman
Now, here's where we've been:
Dewberry Farms in Brookshire, TX with my cousin's twins, my girls, my mom, my aunt & step-grandma, Wilma; November 2013
More photos here
Baby shower for my friend (like sister) Missy & her baby boy Lucas; December 2013
More photos here
Our pool building began in Mid December 2013
More photos here
Christmas 2013
More photos here
In January 2014, I helped my dear friend, Amy Miller, announce her pregnancy with Baby due June 20, 2014, by making this graphic - So So So excited about this little blessing!!
Co-hosted a baby shower for my next door neighbor, Liz, who is expecting twin girls in April!
February 2013
More photos here
Caitlin & Madison just couldn't wait any longer to try out the new pool (which was officially completed in 59 days on February 8, 2014) and took a dip yesterday! It was 77 degrees F :-)
Love,
Amanda
1 comment:
Excited to have found your blog!
You'll get past the writer's block. :)
Rachel
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