Light The Night With Love 2013

Never thought I'd be considered "inspirational."  It's so surreal and bittersweet to know that in someone's eyes I'm inspirational.  

Today, I'm so honored to be featured on my friend Lindsey Henke's blog.  She's got a series going on during the weekends where she spotlights fellow loss moms and interviews them to find out how they are helping the child loss community.  

Lindsey is such an inspirational woman herself.  Through her blog and through her project "White Signs of Grief" she keeps her beautiful daughter, Nora's, memory alive. After Nora was stillborn in December of 2012 at 40 weeks 4 days, she is now left to mother a precious memory.  On her blog she always offers up some way to help others who are grieving the loss of a child.  I always walk away after reading with a renewed hope and more ideas on how to keep my tiny angel's memory alive.

Thank you to Lindsey for your most generous donation as well as for reaching out and offering up your space for me to speak about how my loss has affected me and to let others know about the event we are having this month in Katy, TX to honor children who have gone too soon.

Friends, you may remember that my sweet friend Franchesca Cox and I hosted the first annual Light The Night With Love last September.  Well, the event was so far reaching, so well received and so inspiring for Fran and I. We released over 200 sky lanterns in memory of over 350 angels from all over the world. Over 100 grieving the loss of little ones joined us that day (in real life) as so many hundreds more joined us in spirit. The night of the event, after saying our goodbyes to new and old friends, Fran and I knew in our hearts that we had to have an event like this again - annually! 

This year, we have reserved the pavilion at the same park and are still accepting names to be written on sky lanterns to release to Heaven on September 14, 2013 in the evening.  Currently we have almost 700 baby names submitted and over 47 families who plan to attend the event.  We have three local loss moms (Angela Bickford, Stormy Mitchell and myself) who will speak about loss, love & hope.  The message we want other loss families to learn by hosting this event is that there are others out there who care, remember your child and want to honor your child who has gone before you.  We want you to feel welcome and know that this day was created with all of our children in mind – and the visual you can get if you picture all of our babies in Heaven watching us release sky lanterns in their memory – is priceless.

Joining Fran in co-hosting this lantern release each year has allowed my heart even more healing.  Knowing that I’m helping to organize an event to honor other families who have lost; in memory of Noah Joel & Jenna Belle in Heaven; brings me great comfort and peace.

If someone reading this would like their baby (or babies) to be remembered on September 14th by having a sky lantern released to Heaven, please sign up here. If you are local to the Katy/Houston, Texas area, we would love to have you join us for the event.  Please notate on the sign-up form that you plan to be there. 

We hope to meet you at the event and if you can't make it in real life, we promise to honor and recognize all babies and children gone too soon at Light The Night With Love 2013 on your behalf.

Love,

Amanda

{thank you to my sweet friend Stephanie for editing this photo for me last year}

What else can I do?

Last night, as I drove home from the park-n-ride, I heard Selah's song "I Turn To You" on the radio and knew I had to make a graphic to share.  I looked through my friend's (Sarah Page Dye) photos, chose this lovely one, and created this.

Inspired by the thought that sometimes (well most of the time) the only thing left to do is turn to Jesus for help.

Please feel free to share and use as you wish.
I hope it brings your heart peace, as it has done mine.

To listen to this song, click here.

I don't know about you, but I would be completely lost without my Lord.

Love,
Amanda

Isaiah Christopher's legacy

Please hop over to my sweet friend Jennifer's new FaceBook page Author Jennifer Ross.
She's in the process of publishing a book about her sweet baby Isaiah Christopher. His life, cut short at only 19w3d, will forever be part of her legacy. Through losing Isaiah, she's had to cling to Her Father in Heaven for strength, hope, survival and mercy. Raising 4 boys on this earth while honoring her son in heaven can be a tough job, but Jennifer does it with such grace. She's also trained to be a doula for stillbirthday.com and is working on a project with Vanessa Horning of VBH Photography that will bring awareness to child loss in the form of a colorful multi-family story filled photo book in the near future.

Please go give Jennifer some love and encouragement if you can.
She's an amazing wife, mom and friend.
Thank you.

She also has a blog.  Perfectly titled His Grace is Sufficient.

Love

Return to Zero - the movie

Ever been involved in something bigger than yourself and wonder, "how on earth can we ever accomplish this?"

Ever felt something so deep in your heart that the only choice is to move forward, head down, throwing caution to the wind and hope for the best?

Well, that's what is happening in our loss community right now with the making and marketing of the film Return To Zero.  

We, as a community, feel it in our bones:  we want others to know that child loss IS happening.    Everywhere.  All the time.  And that it is devastating.  Life altering.  To the point that those affected will NEVER be the same again.  And those same people will need to grieve.  Forever.  Maybe not down in the dirt-covered in tears-everyday kind of grieving. But the kind of grief that those around us will have to understand that we aren't the same people anymore and need a bit of space sometimes.  That our children are gone.  And are never coming back and you just can't get over something like that.  

Having a film be released in theaters for the world to see that loss does occur - is just the start.  The start of society as a whole accepting that there are people called parents that lose children and they are all around us (one in four pregnancies ends in loss in the United States).  

Getting a film into the theaters is also just the start.  Please join me.  Whether you've been touched by loss or not, I welcome you to take the pledge.  To pledge to see the film in theaters if if is released.  By pledging to see Return To Zero in theaters opening weekend when it shows in your town, you will prove to Hollywood that there is an audience for a film about this difficult but important subject matter.

Please join me and pledge to see this movie.   

If you are a bit more adventurous (LOL), please join me in signing up to be a "local leader."

By pledging to be a local leader (in my town in Texas) I will be pledging to get 100 pledges to see the movie.  The RTZ team hopes to get 150,000 pledges by midnight on June 20th.  

We can do this, right???

Please join me and pledge to get more pledges to see Return To Zero in theaters so that the Hollywood folks stop and take notice.  That child loss is important to people.  Not because it's sad but because we care about people.  Unfortunately we all know someone (or will in the future) who has lost a child.  It's just a fact.  A horrible fact.  And seeing a movie like this, on the big screen, may have an impact on a relationship you have to that grieving family.  It may help you reconcile with yourself that your friends or family members WILL never be the same again and that you may need to show them that you remember their child that's in Heaven just a bit more - because it's important to THEM.

Thank you for reading and a "thank you in advance" for signing up.

Love

*This film specifically talks about still birth.  Although I didn't have a still birth, but yet a miscarriage, makes my heart no less involved.  Any one of my children could have died at birth or shortly before.  I am pledging and blogging and talking and SPEAKING OUT LOUD about child loss because it's important to me and I do it in memory of my little Noah Joel, gone to be with Jesus too soon on March 26, 2008.

Love

In late 2011, when I heard of the death of the Duggar Family's baby Jubilee Shalom, I was on my computer and felt led to make this graphic.  It's been shared on FaceBook but I never blogged it. This morning, I wanted to post it here. Don't know why.  Maybe someone will come across it today when they need it most.

I'm a believer but I'm also human.  It's so hard to truly comprehend that we should still praise the Lord in storms; that He can give us blessings and take them away; that bad things happen to good people; that He knows every detail about what's to come and how the story will end. But I do.  I believe that without Him and His Presence in my life, I don't know where I'd be today.  Tragedy is part of life.  Yes.  But Love is also part of life.  The Lord gives and takes away. Without His gifts, we wouldn't know love.  Without his blessings we wouldn't know love.  So we must be thankful to have even known love at all.

A very profound quote from pastor Jason Hague in response to feelings of loss after the death of a dear friend, "I made a decision to look God in the eye again and thank him for my friend.  This wasn't so much a matter of religious sentiment as it was intellectual integrity.  When gratitude is absent, mourning eventually loses all context and reason.  It's the same lesson I try to give my kids:  to say "thank you for my ice cream" instead of pining hard for a second bowl.  Even a gift cut short is, first, a gift."

I translated this into my life.  If I don't thank God for the gift OF carrying Noah at all, much less for the number of weeks I carried him, then mourning is for not.  I was given his life, albeit too short, as a gift from God.

So today, I say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord" no matter what the circumstance.  He IS THE calm of the storm and THE maker of miracles and THE healer of disease.  Whom shall I fear?

Love to you all today.  Wherever you are; whatever you may be doing.  I pray a veil of protection and love over you today.

xoxo

+amanda

Five.Years.

Five.Years.

After five years you’d think there’d be nothing left to say.  That the grief would be buried by now.  That the memories never made would be replaced.  That the hopes we had for a life imagined are gone with the wind.  That remembering him would be futile.

Those things are the furthest from the truth though.  The grief is never far from the top.  Just a song, smell or word can bring that day flooding back.  The memories I have of hearing his heartbeat, seeing his body flutter and knowing that he’d made me a mommy for the second time will never leave me.  The fact that we already had his life planned out and that he’d be the cute little brother of our girl are never far from my heart.  Remembering him.  Or I should say, having him remembered by others.  That’s something that I will never let end. 

My journey to become who I am today, as a loss mom, cannot be taken lightly.  I will never say that losing a child made me a better person.  But I will say that the Lord has molded me to be the woman I am today, through his Grace.only.  If I don't thank God for the gift OF carrying Noah at all, much less for the number of weeks I carried him, then mourning is for not. I was given his life, albeit too short, as a gift from God. My heart has changed.  Noah Joel made me a better person. Now I am someone who breathes to help others who are struggling through loss.  My heart aches each day to reach out to encourage someone who is in their darkest hours.  My loss heart yearns to take the pain away from other loss moms.  I have a strong desire to make sure all babies are remembered.  I have to give Our God ALL the Glory though.  By myself alone – I’m not sure I could stand to be this tired and giving my heart and time to everyone.  But due to my story and my changed heart through loss, My God gives me the strength and the love to do it.  I love these women.  Truly like with my whole heart.

I can say that I've learned many things these past five years since losing my tiny baby at only 9.5 weeks gestation.  I won’t make a list but I know that above all, he’s brought me closer to my Lord and has brought the most loving people into my life that I’d never known if it wasn't for losing my child.  Without the support from the loss community I’m not sure how or who I’d be today.

Thank you.  Thank you to anyone reading this.  Thank you to my friends and family who are and have supported me since the beginning.  Thank you for letting me open up and offer my heart to you.  Know that my love runs deep and I want you to know that you and your baby(ies) are important to me. 

In closing, on this fifth anniversary of losing Noah Joel, I want to remember the fluttery ultrasound video that plays in my heart and head each day.  I want to remember the belly that was already growing.  I want to remember the sickness I felt. I want to remember how it felt to know that Caitlin would be a big sister finally.  I want to remember that for sixty six days, I was a mom to a son.

Noah – I remember you.  Today and always.  Love, mommy.

Noah's One Year blog

Noah's Two Years blog

Noah's Three Years blog

Noah's Four Years blog

*If you’d like to have a graphic made for your little one(s) gone to soon, please visit BabiiLove Graphicz on FaceBook and request under “Amanda’s Open Offers.”

*If you’d be interested in having a lantern released in memory of your baby on September 14, 2013, please go to the Light The Night With Love FaceBook page and keep an eye out for more details.

Book Launch - "Celebrating Pregnancy Again" - by Franchesca Cox

My lovely friend Fran, has prepared an amazing gift for the Baby Loss Community.

She's written a book about pregnancy after loss and all the feelings that go along with the dance of joy, sorrow, hope and faith. She has been amazing gift to the Baby Loss Community since her tiny daughter, Jenna Belle, joined Jesus in Heaven in 2009. Daily, she blows me away with how much in tune she is to my feelings surrounding loss, love and faith. I've said it before - her writings feel like echoes from my heart. I was blessed to read her book VIP style (before it "hit the shelves") and want to express to others how much of a blessing the book can be to those in the midst of a rainbow pregnancy, those who have survived a rainbow pregnancy and to grieving families expecting rainbows.
Please pass along this link to anyone you feel may be encouraged by this book.
Today, the official launch of the book, Franchesca is offering free copies and a giveaway!



Love

Swimming. Summer. Slumber party. School. Showers. September. Santa Fe.

Happy New Year, friends!

Blogging took a backseat in most of 2012 as we were always go-go-go.  I've had this blog post in my drafts for probably about four months! I started writing it before my last post and never finished to publish LOL

Anyway, here's a recap of more than 1/2 of 2012 for The Hoyt Family - using the letter "S!"

April brought on a new adventure for the Hoyt family. Swimming! Cait joined the swim team for our neighborhood and not only improved her freestyle, breast and back strokes but learned the butterfly and did VERY well at it! She got Swimmer of the Week during one of the six weeks of meets, she won first on several heats in each meet AND her team won divisionals! Being a part of the swim team gave the whole family something to do for several months whether it be chauffeuring to and from practice, cheering, swimming, socializing and volunteering. Chris and I had to "work" each meet because the team is really nothing without the parents. We timed several which was fun to see first hand how each meet/event/heat begins and ends. I had never been a part of a swim team growing up so I was clueless at the beginning. You learn quickly though LOL
Chris did swim team when he was a kid so he probably felt pretty at home at the meets.
Although Cait did well she didn't really enjoy it unless she won the race. Otherwise she was content to stay with us in our tent (away from her team tent) playing her DS. We encouraged her to join her friends but she always wanted to be with us. She complained of not having friends there but we know that if she had been at the team tent that would have changed. I think if we do swim next year she will be socially more involved and it will be more fun. I'm excited to see where swimming could take her :-)

We took our annual summer beach vacation to Galveston the week of July 4th. We stayed in a nice house right on the water. The trip would have been perfect if the seaweed wouldn't have been so thick! We never even "laid out" or set up "camp" on the beach because there was more seaweed than sand?!?! It was fun nonetheless. Madison didn't quite like the sea and the sand when we did go. The only time she relaxed was if I was holding her and she wasn't facing the waves. She dug holes all around my legs! LOL
Cait and Chris boogie boarded a bunch and we made it a point to collect all the sea snails we could! Uncle Mike and Grammy joined us for a few days and we of course went to the Strand, ate and shopped a few times. We love going to Galveston because it's so close but are hoping to go elsewhere for our next beach vacation :-)

Cait chose to have a slumber party for her 8th birthday celebration this year. First time for it and it went very well! We were surprised. We had 4 girls over and 3 spent the night. Everyone was good and Chris and I got a kick out of watching the girls LOL
Madison stayed with the grandparents so it was the first time in a while that Cait could play without being interrupted by little sister :-)

How did summer end so quick!? I know we did other things but I feel like whatever we did was over way too quickly! Now Caitlin is a 3rd grader and Madison is in her 2nd year of Montessori. Here is their "first day of school pic" 2012.

Showers - GALORE!!! I helped throw 3 (two baby and one bridal) and attended another baby shower over the past several months. Love all the babies and showers!!

September brought us into a new season of toddler-hood for Madison.  She turned 3 on September 18th and was potty trained a few weeks before her birthday.  As most parents know, this turning point has been poignant in our lives not only because she is more independent and able to tell us exactly how she feels and what she wants, but on an emotional level - that our baby isn't a baby anymore :-(
Don't get me wrong - not having to change diapers is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. but knowing that she's getting older this quickly is a little bit tear invoking :-)

The year ended with a bang (of snow flurries) as we surprised the kids with a trip to our favorite vacation spot, Santa Fe, New Mexico!  We'd planned the trip for 6 months and we pulled it off! The girls were shocked, surprised and excited!  Caitlin couldn't believe that we had the wool pulled over her eyes so it was fun telling her all the "lies" we'd told over the months while we were planning the trip.  We also had little surprises planned during our 8 day stay and to say the trip was amazing would be an understatement!  I have posted the millions of pictures I took, on FB, if you'd like to take a look.  We left town on 12/21 and it was 80 degrees here.  This is one of the reasons we wanted to go somewhere else for Christmas - we needed a lower temp and we hoped for snow.  We got both!  It went down to 8 degrees and snowed starting Christmas Eve until the day we left (12/28).  It was great!  We also got to visit a few pueblos, one of which just happened to be having a traditional dance (or what we'd think of as a "pow wow") when we drove up. We were able to watch a portion of the dance which included approximately 160 men and boys from the tribe.  All of them were half clothed (and I think it was in the 20s that day!) and had feathers, shells, sticks, rocks, turtle shells, leather, etc. as their "accessories." The dancing must have been going on for a while and we were there for 45 minutes and left while it was still going on.  I'm not sure how those guys did all that dancing, in the cold, for so long!  Unfortunately we weren't able to take pictures (since this particular tribe was not using their lives as a "cash cow") so what we saw will be embedded in our memory banks forever :)  We are so thankful we were able to do this with the girls.  We know they will remember this trip for life.

Whew! Well, I hope you all had a great end to 2012 and I'm praying that 2013 will be better than all the others, for us all.

Thinking of you.
Love,
Amanda

Dates...and why TODAY is an important date

The years seem to fly by.  Yet they crawl.  The dates seem to get easier.  But yet they get harder at the same time.  Yes, very oxymoronic, but for a loss mom, this makes sense.

Today, October 24th, four years ago, Noah Joel could have possibly made his appearance into this world.

It was his “estimated due date” or EDD. I counted on this date.  Just as I had with Caitlin’s pregnancy.  When you see those two pink lines on that pregnancy test, you automatically run to your calendar to check when you’ll have the baby.  Well, my second pregnancy was no different.  I did it, saw it would be October 24^th, went to the doctor, got it confirmed twice and counted on that.  It’s a given, right?

I wish. 

As the years go by – I’ve had another child, the children are growing up too fast, work gets more hectic and demanding, traffic gets worse, more school activities, later nights, less sleep, more eating out, more pictures to be taken, more holidays to tend to, more laundry to do, more dishes to clean…but yet there is still something missing.  I remember the date.  I remember the feelings.  I remember the other dates that are passing by without another child running around with us.

I remember. 

“It gets easier,” we say to moms fresh after loss.  I can’t deny that one half of me feels this way.  It does get easier.   BUT  the other part of me will never forget and there will continue to be a hole.  Every year, every significant date, every holiday...

But I survive; and so do all loss moms.

No one can count us out.  We are not lost.  We have been found.  We are hopeful.  We know our babies wait for us in Heaven.  We know that through our losses we have gained.  Whether it be a Rainbow Baby, support from friends & family, new friends, knowledge on loss that we can share, talents we didn’t know we had, support we can give to other women facing loss…the list goes on…

We remember.  

Thank you for remembering Noah Joel Hoyt with me today.  Xoxo

October 24^th’s of the past:

2011 

2010 

2009 

2008 

Tattoo – 2008

My Candles for October 15, 2012 embellished by Jordan's Treasures

October 15 - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I am remembering babies that have gone to Heaven too soon along with the 25% of women in the USA that have been affected by miscarriage, still birth or infant death. If someone you know has been touched by this horrible life changing trauma, please reach out to them today to let them know you care, remember and support them. Ask them about their baby(ies). We love to say and hear their names! Give them a hug. Offer to do something in memory of their child. Thank you. To all my friends and family who've lost - my deepest sympathy is with you today, and always.
Love you all ♥

~in loving memory of Noah Joel Hoyt; March 26, 2008~

15th Oct Wave Of Light This week it is very special, It is national baby loss week, Where the nation remembers all babies, Too small to survive or born asleep, To remember the precious babies, Stolen too soon by SIDS or disease, Let us say their names out loud, Let us remember them all with ease, From 9th to the 15th all we ever, Really want to ask of you, Is to remember these precious children, For just a day or two, Special events are being held, In our cities and our towns, To remember all these babies, Who are sadly no longer around, We are letting off 17 balloons, Why 17? I hear you say, Because 17 babies in the UK alone, Yes 17! Die every single day, Our final request, it’s not too big, To create a wave of light, Please on Oct 15th at 7 pm, Light a candle for us to unite, Let a wave of light shine out bright, For each and every Angel we know, Let the nation unite in a wave of love, Let their precious memories glow.

By Christine Bevington

My October 15 Posts since 2008:
October 15, 2008
October 15, 2009
October 15, 2010

Songs for Loss & Healing

I've been asked on several occasions to provide music for events or presentations having to do with loss.  I've come up with a list of songs that I thought I'd share here in case you are looking for comfort through music.  One of my most healing places to go is "into the music." I know, it's not a real place, but I find music to be the most comforting "place" to go.  Most of the time the songs I turn to are worship songs. Sometimes they are rock or country.  But to really catch my ear, the song has to have good lyrics and usually guitar and piano :)

Here's my list with a YouTube link for each:

JJ Heller - "Olivianna"

Selah - "I Will Carry You"

Nickelback - "Far Away"

Daughtry - "Gone Too Soon"

Natalie Grant - "Held"

Watermark - "Glory Baby"

Kenny Chesney - "Who You'd Be Today"

Diamond Rio - "One More Day"

Diamond Rio - "I Believe"

Lonestar - "Not a Day Goes By"

Francesca Battistelli - "Angel By Your Side"

Gerrit Hofsink - "Still"

Craig Cardiff - "Smallest Wingless"

Kari Jobe - "Healer"

Meredith Andrews - "You're Not Alone"

Addison Road - "Hope Now"

Laura Story - "Blessings"

Hopefully some of theses will bring you comfort in your time of need.

Love,
Amanda

Madison Grace

In 15 hours and 2 minutes this little lady is gonna be three!?!? Eeeeeek!

Light the Night with Love

It's been forever since I blogged but I won't do my usual apology...You already know that I miss blogging even if I don't blog it LOL

If you follow me on FaceBook you already know about the upcoming Sky Lantern Event that Franchesca Cox and I are hosting on September 15th.

Inspired by the scene in the movie Tangled, Fran wanted to release sky lanterns up to heaven to honor her precious Jenna Belle that went to heaven in 2009.  

While chatting one day she asked if I'd be interested in helping her organize an event for Baby Loss Moms everywhere.

So was born, "Light the Night with Love." On September 15, 2012 at 7pm, Baby Loss Moms, their families and friends will gather at Mary Jo Peckham Park in Katy, TX to release sky lanterns up to heaven to remember the babies lost too soon.

So far we have received 189 angels' names from all over the world that we will write on the lanterns.  We have also been blessed to have received 72+ donated sky lanterns for the event.  I swear, Baby Loss Moms are the most generous people out there!

We SO wish that all the families could join us but since it's impossible we will release the lanterns with as much love in our hearts as possible. We will also have a photographer and videographer at the event so that we can post the images and video as soon as possible for all to see. 

One problem we have RIGHT NOW is that we don't have enough IRL (in real life) Baby Loss Moms, families and friends committing to attend.

If we have (let's say) 80 lanterns to release and each one needs to be opened, lit and released, we need more than 8 to make it happen without it taking several hours...

That brings me to my PLEA for help.  Please please please spread the word about this lovely event meant to link loss moms across the world together by remembering our tiny angels waiting for us in heaven.  

Help us Light the Night with Love and ask your friends and family who are in the Houston/Katy/Cypress/Tomball/Magnolia/Pearland/Sugarland/Galveston/Navasota/Kemah/Austin/Beaumont/College Station areas to join us on the 15th of this month.

If you are seeing this blog post and are not able to attend, please join the FaceBook Event here and request your angel(s) to be honored at the release.

Thank you and God Bless,

Amanda

Post on your blog or use this as your FaceBook Cover Picture and link to the Event Page

Post on your blog or use this as your FaceBook Profile Picture and link to the Event Page

Post on your blog or use this as your FaceBook Profile Picture and link to the Event Page

National Tattoo Day 2012

Happy National Tattoo Day! 

Did you know that today is National Tattoo Day?? I didn't until my new favorite online mag: Still Standing Magazine announced it...if you have lost a child and have a memorial tattoo in their name, head over and upload your pic for us all to see. For instructions click here.

If you've followed our blog for long, you know that I have a tattoo in memory of our angel baby Noah Joel, lost to missed miscarriage on March 26, 2008 at only 9.5 weeks. I blogged about my tattoo experience here but will re-post today :)

Re-Posted from August 9, 2008:
I NEVER thought I would get a tattoo… I also NEVER thought I’d lose a baby…
Over the past few months, I have developed a deep desire to bring Noah Joel’s life to “life” through me – through getting a permanent mark on my body (the same body that he grew in for 9 ½ weeks) to acknowledge that he was here. He was a living human being who did not enter our family the traditional way. He was here – and then he was gone – that quickly…although his life was short lived, the pain is real. The pain of the loss of the child that I knew and experienced only the way a mother-to-be can experience – he was there – right below my heart for almost 10 weeks, and I KNEW him. I anticipated his arrival as I did my daughter’s almost 5 years ago. He would be our second child, Caitlin’s baby brother and someone else at home to love on. We all were so excited and then, in an instant, that excitement turned to horror and deep sadness. I know that Noah is in a better place – heaven – with Our Lord – but I miss him all the same. I know he is being well taken care of, but I wanted to care for this child. I know that if he was sick, he now feels no pain - this is something I am thankful for. All in all, I am grateful that God picked me to be Noah’s mom.
I designed my tattoo and went to a reputable place to get it. I was not sure how it would be or how it would look or what people I would encounter there, but I was excited – in a nervous, anxious, sad, scared, happy, crazy sort of way. Although no one ever asked me what this tattoo was symbolizing, I KNEW, and that was all that really mattered. I listened to my Zune and tried to tune out the pain. I’m not sure I ever really tuned it out, but as I sat in a strange position in a strange tattoo chair with my lower back getting needled to death, I had an overwhelming feeling and thought that this was my “birthing experience” with Noah. Our due date of October 24th would have been – but it was not to be. God had other plans for our baby and I never will be able to “have” Noah. So, my tattoo experience was PAINFUL and memorable all in loving memory of Noah Joel (rest; peace and The Lord is God).

You will never be forgotten, sweet boy.
Love you,
Mommy

This was the cell phone picture the tattoo artist took of it a few minutes after he finished. I have yet to get a better one (it's only been 4 days since I got it and oh, man, it is itching like crazy!)


This is a picture that I found online of a 9 1/2 week old fetus. This is the size Noah Joel was...

I've never done a link-up before but thought I'd try one today.  I haven't blogged in a while and wondered who might still be reading! LOL

Since today is "Tattoo Day" if you would like to share your INK, please link up...I HOPE not to see too many memorial tattoos but if you have one, please share with me.  I'd love to see.

Love,

Amanda

To Join In:

Just write a post on your own blog about your INK – why you got it, what it means to you, where on your body it is, etc., and then add the link to that post in the Linky widget below. 

P.S. I'll be linking up to test .... hopefully it works LOL 

PawPaw

My PawPaw (my mom's daddy) went to be with Jesus in the early morning of Sunday, May 27, 2012.

Please pray for the Burns, Connally, Sralla, Collins, Jacobs and Hoyt families as we grieve his loss. PawPaw was a vibrant, active, OU graduate, running, nice, kindhearted and greatly missed man.

Here is an excerpt from his obituary:
H. Ray Burns was born Nov. 6 , 1928, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, to Brooks and Valentine Burns. As a youth, Ray was an active member of Boy Scouts. He earned his Eagle Scout rank and served as a Scoutmaster for many years. Ray also ran track in high school and was awarded a full scholarship to the University of Oklahoma. He lettered 11 times in indoor, outdoor and cross country. Ray was a lifelong OU Alumni member, and he saw two of his grandchildren attend OU. As a graduate in mechanical engineering, Ray went on to work for the same hydraulics and parts manufacturer for the rest of his life. He moved to Fort worth to help design and produce the original industrial plant and parts for Stratoflex. He later became the chief engineer and vice president of manufacturing and engineering and helped design other plants internationally. Even after his retirement and moving to Granbury, Ray was a consultant for Parker Hannifin Stratoflex, and he was actively involved in both the Society of Automotive and Engineering and the International Standards Organization. Ray's work was very important to him, but his family always came first. He and his college sweetheart, Grace Collins, enjoyed many happy years together traveling and raising their three children. The family took great pleasure in camping together and making RV trips across the country. Grandchildren were also treated to special excursions during the summer months. After Grace's death, Ray and his current wife of five happy years, Wilma Gideon, met and married at their church in Granbury. Ray's family has called her their "angel" as she had been there for Ray during his long battle with Parkinson's disease. Ray, in the words of one grandson, "was a great man." He was one of those unique individuals whose integrity and wisdom made him not only a remarkable role model but also a great friend to anyone he met. Always the optimist, Ray's noble and giving spirit were with him to the end. He will be dearly missed. He was preceded in death by his first wife of 56 years, Grace Burns, and brother, Earl Burns. Survivors: Wife, Wilma Gideon Burns of Granbury; daughters, Carol Connally and husband, John, of Possum Kingdom and Melinda Sralla and husband, Ron, of Houston; son, Clay Burns Sr. and wife, Linda, of Granbury; grandchildren, Amanda Hoyt and husband, Chris, of Houston, Allison Jacobs and husband, Bryan, of Richardson, Jared Sralla of Houston, Andrew Connally and wife, Kacie, of Midland, Clay Burns Jr. of Granbury; and great-grandchildren, Caitlin and Madison Hoyt of Houston, Matthew and Caroline Jacobs of Richardson and Jaxon Connally of Midland.

God bless you, PawPaw, for being you, being real, being supportive and being the best grandpa I could ever have. Love you and miss you!

 
The front of the chapel at the Cemetery

Pictures and an OU pendant set-out at the funeral (that's my mom, Caitlin, me and PawPaw in the picture on the left - circa 2007)

Picture of PawPaw and me set-out at the funeral (circa 1993)



Picture collage of PawPaw and family set-out at the funeral


The back of the chapel at the Cemetery

PawPaw and his wife Wilma (our "angel") - March 23, 2012

PawPaw and my mom - April 24, 2012

PawPaw, me, my mom, Madison and Caitlin - July 25, 2011

PawPaw at his wedding to Wilma in 2007

What do YOU say when you want to 'Praise the Lord'???

My girl belts out her Hallelujah's :)




Happy Friday ya'll!
xoxo

FOUR Years {Noah Joel Hoyt}

I've been anticipating today with many mixed emotions. I can't even articulate most of them and was even wondering if I had it in me to write a blog post this year...but I have to. He is worth at least that much...all I can ever give him is to keep his memory alive and show my love for him in whatever way I know how. If that even makes sense to some that are reading this. If you have not lost a child you might not get it but I hope that by writing about loss and miscarriage on my blog, that it will help someone either going through it or help those who would like to understand what their friends or family who has lost is going through.

Four years have passed...what does that mean? Well, it means that for the past four years, I have thought of Noah at least one time (usually more) per day. I have wondered what he would be like as a younger brother and even an older brother. I imagine that if he would have been born, we would still have Madison...she was born 18 months after losing Noah...It would be possible :)
I've wondered what he would look like. I've wondered many things but most of all, I've also wondered why. I try not to question this often, but when your thoughts wander anything can happen, right??! Unfortunately the reason for our loss is unknown. No tests were run because I didn't ask...how was I supposed to know?! I'd never been through a loss much less known someone who had. I now blame myself for not "knowing" to ask for tests to be run. To see why his heart stopped beating in my womb at 9.5 weeks. Many people suggest that when babies are miscarried, either something was wrong with them and they'd be better off in heaven or that God needed another angel. I totally would like to accept these trains of thought but I just can't. I do believe that God had a plan in taking Noah early. I do believe that it was not me or my behavior that caused him to die. But, at the end of the day, I wonder why just.because and not accepting any real reason. I'm human, you know? Until I ask God in heaven "why" I will never feel completely at peace.

Some other thoughts rear their ugly heads sometimes. Guilt. What an awful word. Did I eat or drink something wrong to cause Noah's passing? Should I have not flown in an airplane the week before I lost him? Should I have been on bedrest to protect my unborn baby from what could befall him if the same thing that happened with Caitlin's pregnancy happened again? Should I have not picked up my 3.5 year old while newly pregnant with him? So many questions...and in my head I know that I couldn't have been the reason he's not here. But in my heart, I am not so sure. I probably should have done something different, but I didn't know...

I feel like I'm rambling but I have to get this out.

Losing Noah has brought about HUGE changes in my life.

I am thankful for the friends the Lord has brought into my life since losing Noah on March 26, 2008. It is bittersweet to make friends with other Baby Loss Moms. We are saddened that yet another baby (or babies) has been lost too soon. But we are blessed to be surrounded by those that truly understand our thoughts and feelings.

I am thankful that prayer has been a source of joy over the past four years. Praying for others has taught me that (the Lord) prayer changes things. I was able to begin a prayer chain on my blog in 2008 that then morphed into it's own blog that then morphed into a FaceBook page. Spreading the word to others to pray for those in need is so important to me. Afterall, the Bible says, "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." {Matthew 18:20}.

Learning about other's struggles and their outcomes does not burden me. Getting to know those who are struggling and becoming emotionally involved with them and their families does not burden me. Knowing what to and how to pray for them does burden my heart though. It burdens my heart to pray harder. To trust the Lord more. To spread the word that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and to remind those who are in the depths of dispair that He loves them. People often ask how I can hear, day in and day out, about people and their "depressing" stories. I don't see it that way...they are not "depressing" stories. These are real people, experiencing real trials, who need to be loved on, prayed for (or with) and to hear the Good News in one way or another. Some see me as one of those "you just want to save the world" people. Well, if that's how you want to see me...go for it. But in my book, helping even one person in this world - whether it be through words, actions, in real life or over the internet, it can happen. The Lord uses me - after losing my precious second child - to let others know about His Love. And to me, that is joy.

Realizing how important it is to have a real relationship with God has also been huge to me. How do people lose loved ones and/or receive a life altering health diagnosis without God?? I don't know how people even "do life" everyday without God. It's mind boggling really. I am able to cry out to Him. I am able to talk to Him whenever I want. I am able to truly believe that He is coming one day to take me to my true Home. Being able to tell my God that I am saddened by the loss of my baby, am questioing the loss of my baby and am angry about the loss of my baby is big. I know that He will love me no matter how I feel about this life after loss. There is no shame or guilt or fear in God. I feel safe. I know Noah is up there waiting for me.
Anyway, I wanted to get those thoughts off my chest. I hope that someone can make sense of this post and is blessed by it.

Big day today. Remembering my little one four years later.

Love,
A

P.S. Thank you to all of you who have loved and supported me over the past four years. It means the world to me that you remember my Noah Joel.

Remembering
One Year
Two Years
Three Years

4 Years {Nehemiah Rodriguez}

Could it really be FOUR years?!?! Where does the time go??
Four years since my sweet, encouraging, loving, sensitive, strong and precious Baby Loss Mama bestie, Melanie, went through the agonizing loss of her first baby, Nehemiah.

On March 22, 2008, Melanie & Ralph endured one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. The loss of their unborn baby.

Time may have passed but Melanie and those who have been touched by the short life of Nehemiah, have not forgotten. The pain of losing a baby is excruciating and although time goes on and life goes on and we add more children and busyness to our families, there will always be a part of our hearts missing.

Thank you, Lord, for bringing Melanie into my life. Although we met just 3 short months after both of our losses, I feel that I've known her my whole life. She and I are so much alike it's scary. Thank you for giving Melanie as a friend to me so that we both don't feel such alone in all this. We talk about you and how you've changed our lives through our babies who are now in Heaven with you. Oh Lord we CANNOT wait until that glorious day when we are all reunited. Thank you for your love and the peace that passes all understanding that only You give to us each day. We trust that you will continue to walk along side us on this journey we call life after losing our babies the week of Easter 2008. We know that you are carrying us through until we meet again.

Melanie, I love you. Wish I could hug your neck today but...you'll have to take a virtual one instead.

Hope you feel that peace today.
Amanda

~In loving memory of Nehemiah Rodriguez~

She's TWO! {Lillian Rachelle}

Happy SECOND Birthday, Lillian!

You and your mommy have come so far in the past 2 years and you've proven to be that miracle we all knew you were when you were born, against all odds, on March 22, 2010!

Hope you have a wonderful day!

Love,
The Hoyt Family

To read Lillian's and her mommy, Lauren's, story, click here.

MckMama and true Faith

In case you don't follow me on FaceBook or missed this post, I wanted to go ahead and re-post it.

I don't know if you do follow Jennifer McKinney (aka MckMama), but over the years she has been a blessing in my life with her honest posts about marriage, love, parenting, trials, faith and just life. She and her husband and kids have faced many trials (including financial, health and marital) but the most recent trial has stunned the blogger community. She and her husband have separated. They have five children who are now suffering the consequences of a broken home. One recent post from Jennifer really impacted me and I wanted to share it.

This post, more than the rest Jennifer writes, brought true tears and aching to my heart. For her and her children, of course, but also for those who do not know Jesus as their personal Savior.

Her encouragement through His Word shines like no other. She is NOT walking alone in this HUGE trial of her life, but God is walking hand in hand with her. As a baby lost mama, I know all too well this feeling of helplessness in the wake of sadness, loss and heartache.

BUT I am blessed to know the Lord because he puts salve on my wounds daily and reminds me of His True & Perfect love at my darkest hours. I don't know how people "do life" without God. It is a true mystery to me.

Hopefully this post touches you as it did me ♥

Read MckMama's blog post here.

Love ya'll,
Amanda