Three Years

I'm not really sure how to start this post, what exactly I should say or how long it should be. I do know that today is 3 years since we said goodbye to our 2nd baby - one that we never got to meet (beyond the ultrasound screen) and left my womb too early.

I remember all the details of that day and pretty much every emotion that I felt. For those who have never miscarried or lost a baby or child and/or been close to someone who has, the emotions that we feel are overwhelming and never ending. I know that immediately upon hearing from both the U/S tech and my OB, "your baby is not alive anymore," the emotions ran wild throughout my entire body: sadness, fear, pain, guilt, shock, anger, loneliness, worthlessness, depressed, stoic, haunted, sick...the list could go on and on.

One thing about acknowledging a child's passing on a particular anniversary, whether it be their birthday and/or heaven day, is okay but remembering on one day is not completely what we need. If we could, we would ask others to acknowledge our babies everyday. The one thing about losing any loved one is that the shearing pain might go away after time, but the thoughts of and longing for that person NEVER end. Day after day, whether we want to or not, that baby is NOT forgotten.

No matter how much time has passed; no matter that my husband still loves me and I have other children, I still feel sad sometimes. I have my good and bad days. I have those days where I wish I could curl up and cry just one more time about my loss. There are days when I'm completely over the moon that the Lord has allowed me to raise two beautiful girls on this earth. BUT, I still wish I was able to have just that one other chance...

To end this post that I didn't know what to say or how long it should be, I will say this:
When we are surrounded by those who know what we are going through because they have been through it themselves or by those who just love us and want us to know they remember, we feel okay about missing our babies. It's not as taboo as we think it is. We want LIFE to be sacred and missed and loved and cherished (as God intended)...whether that baby was here for 9 1/2 weeks gestation or 39 weeks gestation or 5 years or 25 years.

Because I apply music to most of my life experiences, one of the songs that I thought of today that best describes the way that I feel is "Not a Day Goes By" by Lonestar.

Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Thank you to all of you who have visited me, thought of me and prayed for me over these past 3 years. Your love will never be forgotten. The friendships I have made since March 26, 2008 are priceless. Unfortunately I became part of a club I never wanted to be in on that day. This club of Baby Loss Mommas is too large. The whys go round and round. Why does there have to be such a club?!?!? Why did our babies leave us? We will never really know, will we? Well, we will know actually...when we get to Heaven, are reunited with our babies and ask Jesus.
That will be a glorious day, Noah Joel Hoyt. I can't wait :)

In loving memory of our tiny angel baby, Noah.
Heaven Date: March 26, 2008.
Lost but not forgotten.

Thank you to my God. The one source of strength that will never let me down or leave me. Thank you for bringing me to and through my loss.
Thank you for all 3 of my miracle babies.


Thank you, Franchesca!


Thank you, Carly!



Thank you, Caitlin, my Love!


Miss you and Love you, NJ Hoyt!